"when laughter first manifests itself in the infant, it is an incipient cry, excited by pain, or by a feeling of pain suddenly inhibited, and recurring at brief intervals." what if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?
-kierkegaard
it seems like the summers always find me dismal and aching. the time spent at home was extremely uneventful, but wonderful. i spent so much time with my parents, time that i never cherished when i lived there permanently. high school was a blur of endless argument of curfew, activities, and my eating habits. but, now, "visiting" if you will, was so extremely great.
watching my parents leave after dropping me at my apartment was hard for me. it was really weird watching them leave and i kind of wanted to run back after the van and yell, "take me back! take me back with you!" of course, i didn't and couldn't because my mom wanted me to stay all along. she was probably more upset at my desire to return to school than anyone. let me just profess my love for my mom here...I LOVE MY MOM. okay okay...enough of that.
being back here, the muggy and humid air driving me to annoyance and frustration is weird. it's interesting how quickly i forgot about my apartment when greeted by the cool hardwood floors and deep red of my bedroom at home. it's cleanliness and familiarity made me at home at once. now i come back to this moldy smelling, carpeted, WARM, and dirty apartment and i feel sick. i want my mom. i don't understand it...maybe it's going to take some time for me to settle back in.
it just feels so alone here. i can't walk out of my room and find my mom sitting in her chair or the dog and cat and my dad. it's just different. maybe it won't necessarily be bad. it's just that there is (or at least it seems as if) no one here.
maybe i'll never be happy with where i am...haven't i always been anxious to move on to the next place...the next part of my life?? when will i ever slow down and enjoy what is in front of me??
and speaking of that...it's weird to think about everyone from high school getting married or having babies. it makes me wonder what the hell they they think they're doing...perhaps they have matured at an unusually high rate and i'm just lagging behind. but...seriously? weddings?? babies?? how is anyone ready for that yet...doesn't anyone want to have a life--to DO things, SEE places, or LIVE a little bit more without those added responsibilities?? some days i feel that i'm supposed to be at some place in my life that i am just not ready for...and it gets hard when my brother makes lesbian comments about me in the car (mostly to worry my mother) because i don't have a boyfriend or haven't found anyone i think is worth spending my (precious) time on. kudos to the ladies that love ladies, but i'm not one of them. i just think i shouldn't be forced into some meaningless and unrewarding relationship with a guy i don't give a shit about. so...i think that is all for today...i should sleep or find some other productive sort of way to entertain myself.
hopefully i don't go running home within the week...
sweeter dreams.
k
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2 comments:
People only get married and have babies when they Don't have a life. When they don't have things to do, places to see, or their own life to further explore.
Be happy that you still have things to do, that you still have a future to explore and conquer.
Babies are just the easiest way to feel like you have a purpose in life.
Kim, Hi. I have to concur with the previous comment. I'm turning 35 later this year and I'm still not interested in being married at this point in my life. Moreover, I don't want to have kids. This has a lot to do with how I live and what I find important. From what I can tell, many people race into adulthood and embrace every frickin' cliche possible to give their life greater meaning. While it's not for me to decide what's right (or wrong) for others, I honestly believe that social pressures influence human behavior in this case.
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