you know how the game be, can't let them change me

as i walked home from brendan's apartment tonight...well technically this morning because it was 12:00 AM (exactly) i thought about the precautions i probably should have taken...most importantly the advice to never walk by myself at night (when everyone is supposedly looking for trouble). i mean, i listen to the advice and i take part in feeling the fear, but my problem is that i challenge that fear. i ask it to try to scare me. but when it does i hate that i feel that way. tonight, as i was walking home i was scared. but i felt liberated. just because i am a female, just because it is dark outside--should i not be allowed to walk and enjoy the nice summer breeze? should i not be allowed to spend time at my friend's apartment without feeling anxious about having to walk home?

i challenged the warnings i am bombarded with everyday by my parents, school officials, and the news media. but in challenging those warnings i could also have found myself in danger. i do not consider myself an individual who enjoys that type of excitement really. but anyway, while i was walking alone tonight i encountered two african american males sitting on the side of the road. as i walked past them, one said, "hey." i responded with a, "hey, what's up?" and continued walking. i didn't want to be afraid of them because i have been told that i SHOULD be. so i kept walking. a little further on i was sure i heard them say, "hey, girl wait up." and then, that's when the fear set in. they were nice enough, i did not feel threatened by them as i walked past. but i still took part in feeling that feeling. would i have felt the same if they were two white men sitting there? i couldn't say. but i still felt scared. and i didn't like it. and the feeling i was trying to challenge came back to hit me in the face.

and then i got to thinking about the rape class they made us sit through freshman year. i don't remember the majority of the class, but i remember the feeling of fear they invoked on us as females. it was as though the class was strictly for scaring the female population while harassing the male population and saying "YOU ARE RAPISTS." we discussed this in my gender & women's studies class and how men at duke university formed a group to counter the feelings that men sometimes feel. they feel as though they are being blamed for something that they didn't necessarily do. and as activists against violence sometimes we start to make men feel accused. i think in invoking this type of fear in women and this type of accusation in men, it leaves less room for a healthy discussion about the topic of rape within these supposedly "educational" programs [and i use the quotes on educational because most people within my GWS class said they barely remembered or did not remember anything from the program].

another problem i have with the invocation of fear in our female minds is the dispensing of the "rape whistle." is this whistle really going to save me when i'm in that situation? or is this just another method to scare us into being more "careful" and less likely to walk around at night by ourselves. as i was walking up to my front steps and i pulled my key chain with that handy little whistle on it, i felt silly. this little metal thing is supposed to save me in that instant i have been abducted, beaten, or raped? yeah. right.
it was not an enjoyable experience, but it has got me thinking. and next time, i'm riding my bike.

on a lighter topic, i was thinking tonight about how music makes my life so much more enjoyable. i mean, i love that a song can hold a different meaning, can give me such a different feeling each and every time i listen to it. it all depends on the context of the song--where i am, what i'm doing, who i am with. music leads me to this place i'll never be able to describe, but that i will forever be indebted to.

sweeter dreams.
k