I promised to my wife and children I'd never touch another drink as long as I live

i'm back in pg again...after a tiring stay in iowa for family x-mas.

this year's holiday was especially hard...my aunt has been undergoing chemotherapy for the skin cancer that was found on her cheek. my cousin, her daughter, has an extremely rare muscular disease--one that basically means all of her muscles are failing her. my mother's siblings rotate the location of christmas every year between their homes. my aunt insisted she still put on the christmas celebration despite the horrible side effets of her treatments. it was decided it would be in the apartment complex of my cousin's building. that way, family would be able to mingle in the clubhouse as well as visit her in her apartment (it is difficult for her to get out of bed/she must be on oxygen 24/7).

several things made the holiday disappointing. the weather was terrible--travel was difficult, my brothers and dad did not attend, and my cousin ended up in the hospital a few days before the christmas get together--she had to remain there for the party.

even so, it was wonderful to be near family again and i was happy to be there for my mom.

upon arriving home tonight, we watched a video one of my cousins made of christmases past. they were filmed before my grandma died and before my mother's brother (uncle andy) passed away unexpectedly. i was about 3 years old in the first videos. my parents never filmed my childhood (i would kill to see myself as a little girl) so watching this was really amazing to me. i can't believe i was ever that little and a person...what was going on in my head? i can't remember and i wish i could.

the point of this video-sharing story is mostly that i was left completely heartbroken that i didn't get to know my uncle andy like everyone else. all my cousins are at least 10 years older than me and they were old enough to remember him. he was the light of the family and it is evident in both the manner in which everyone speaks about him and from what i can actually remember of him. watching these videos helped me to remember who he was and to see what sort of presence he possessed. again, my words fail me to accurately describe the way i feel.

i am left with an ache in my chest. i will never truly know this man. it's unfair. and not only that, but i will never know the light-hearted and easy-going christmases that were created through him. i couldn't help but feel that christmas isn't the same as it was when he was alive. our family is not as close anymore. we don't all get together for christmas--there is always a couple of families missing. and it makes my heart ache.

we barely get together for christmas, let alone the rest of the year. how did our lives become so busy and rushed that we don't get time to sit down and spend some quality time getting to know each other? is it that hard? and why is it hard now when it used to work?

i can't imagine how difficult this season is for my mom. i miss my grandma and my uncle. i am feeling blue. and i hate that i am being sentimental about this.

sweeter dreams.
k