i was born to be a fiddler in an old string band, my baby plays guitar, i pick a banjo now. oh, north country winters keep a getting me

it has been so long since i've found the right words to say. i am uncertain as to whether it is the fall weather or the completely indescribable manner in which my life has been unfolding as of late. either way, it's hard to articulate the goodness when i feel i've already expressed a lot of it in the last few months. the way my feelings of gratitude for life have transformed is difficult for me to grasp. it's not that nothing bad has happened to me; rather, it is the way i am able to acknowledge and handle the not-so-good. i think those little concepts of fluidity and flexibility i'm always thinking about have finally caught on.

my conversations with people are meaningful in a way that i never could have fathomed. the start of grad school has taught me so much in just a few weeks. i am constantly anxious, but i am challenged. i am discovering parts of me that i avoided for so long, in other words, i am realizing how hard i have been on myself and how terrible i have always been to myself. i have grown a year older and a bit more grateful too. i am even grateful for the things [and there are many] in my life that bring me feelings of great loss. i think a lot of the melancholy is fall-related. but my happiness is only ever happiness because it is a most perfect marriage of bursting joy and aching sorrows.

as i sat in my apartment the morning after an absolutely wonderful 23rd birthday, i was struck by a feeling of utter bliss so strong that it just came flowing from my eyes. i felt silly, but it also felt necessary.

some days, i feel as though i've lived more lives than this one and that i am older than these 23 years. when i meet new people, i just know i've known them before this time. and there's comfort in feeling as though i've already lived this life before and that it worked out perfectly precisely b/c it was lived. and so, if that makes any sense to anyone, i will keep living this life even if it has been lived before. b/c the value lies in living and that is all i'm claiming to do. i know i've made mistakes. and i know the paths that have led here have not always been the easiest or the kindest. and i know that there are many more difficult experiences to be had. but that's okay. i have sustaining and supporting relationships that feed my growth and my self and they will be there anyway. even after i've made my mistakes and lost some of my battles.

it's always interesting to see who will be there when you fall down a few times. it's also interesting to find the ones that get who you are and always have even when you didn't realize it.

these are my thoughts for today. they are far more confusing than they have ever been. but i take that as a sign of growth. my capacity for contemplation has always been growing in ways i never realized.

this life? it is incredibly divine.

sweeter dreams.
k