charity reeks of cheap wine and pity and i'm thinking of you, I do every year when we count all our blessings and wonder what we're doing here

i am continuously surprised by the ways in which this life is spectacular. all of these little and magnificent happenings seem to flood over me at just the right moments. i am still quite burdened by the troubles grad school provides, but i have come to accept them for their experience. are we not how we survive?? besides, i have a pretty great deal set up here [work in exchange for $ and classes?!].

i can feel my life moving forward in a way that i never could have imagined possible. i am ecstatic. i don't think there's much else i can articulate in that respect. i am so happy i know i could burst if i move the wrong way. :)

i look forward to the summer when i will have a little more (not a whole lot more) time to play catch-up to the activities i have missed so tremendously this semester. i am grateful for another spring. i am grateful for another chance to see the sun shine, hear the birds chirping, and another reason to count each and every way that i am just the luckiest little girl in the world.

i hope you realize that even on bad days, there has got to be something good to be found. even in our weakness, there is something to make us strong...even if it's our own stubborn will.

i am still sad about a lot of happenings we forget to care about in our daily struggles. we are oblivious to most incidents that simply do not directly affect us. my biggest trouble is buying unnecessary items. i am consistently troubled by all the shit we buy for no reason. there's a whole lot of it--and why?? does it ever make us feel better? shopping for new shoes or a new shirt or a new purse to feel better? to feel more whole?? i don't get it. i never will. perhaps, it is middle class guilt. but i can't help but wonder what a new $500 bag will do for me when i consider the countless families who could eat so many meals for the same amount. why do we care about a $500 bag in the first place??

my rants could continue for eternity. but, statistical analysis is awaiting me.

some quotes from sociologist pierre boudieu make me think about the ways in which this grad school struggle will leave me resentful:::

"these young people, whose social identity and self-image have been undermined by a social system and an education system that have fobbed them off with worthless paper, can find no other way of restoring their personal and social integrity than by a total refusal. it is as if they felt that what is at stake is no longer just personal failure, as the education system encourages them to believe, but rather the whole logic of academic institution. The structural de-skilling of a whole generation, who are bound to get less out of their qualifications than the previous generation would have obtained, engenders a sort of collective disillusionment: a whole generation, finding it has been taken for a ride, is inclined to extend to all institutions the mixture of revolt and resentment it feels towards the education system."

sweeter dreams.
k