i've been a fool and i've been blind

okay folks. i need to talk about something that has been bothering me for quite some time. it has come up again and i feel that it needs to be addressed in some way--this seems the perfect forum for me. this blog has documented several of my growing periods and i feel that many realizations have come to be through this particular medium. i know three years ago, my writing was that of a silly little girl. and one day, i will most likely look back to this writing as that of a silly young lady. but, regardless, here goes.

i have been increasingly irritated at the insinuations about my sexual orientation by the males in my life. you see, i've dated many men, but have not found many men worthy of the title, 'boyfriend'. and when i have, that title has been eventually stripped b/c of their lack, my lack, or our incompatibility. that's fine, i shall move on. but, you see, many people in my life do not understand that i have high hopes for the one that is supposed to eventually capture my heart or whatever the hell our fabricated story of love is supposed to look like in this culture. i can pinpoint three separate times in which i have been called a lesbian, referred to as being a lesbian, or told good luck with the 'gay thing'. this is because i have not had or kept a boyfriend for quite some time. it has also been expressed because i do not necessarily fit the norms others follow--such as my vegan diet. my brother said to me, "don't worry, we still love you even though your vegan". and in the next breath, "don't worry, we still love you even though your a lesbian". so, my being "different" equates to being a lesbian? i suppose it makes sense in their heads.

the issue i have with this is not that i mind being called a lesbian. it's that i mind the fact that being independent, self-sufficient, and a capable woman equates to being a lesbian. as if there is no other way to be independent, self-sufficient or capable. it bothers me because to be a woman is to be less than superior (especially in relation to men, men who are making these comments). i do not require a man to display my value to this world. i do not need to be wanted to realize i am valuable. and the hurtful part of it all is that i would love to share my life with someone--but only someone worthy of me. i recognize my value and worth and therefore, i will not settle for anything less than what i expect.

bell hooks wrote in wounds of passion that it is difficult for women to have relationships with men as they realize more and more about sexism. i find this to be glaringly true in my life. i am also angered by the fact that men continually treat women as objects or property even without realization. i refuse to be a trophy, a statue, an accessory. and i no longer wish to comply with expressing my social worth through having a boyfriend.

so for the record, i identify as straight and choose to have romantic relationships with men when i do have them. and for those of you who won't be reading this, but continue to use sexual orientation as a jab at my self-sufficiency, you can suck it.

sweeter dreams.
k