what will become of the gestures that we've made. i've given up my bible. you've moved out of state.

I have been wondering lately how much of our lives are determined by uncertainty. How many actions do we fail to take simply because we are unsure of their outcome? How many times would we have been able to connect or reconnect with someone if we'd only said a few words? How many times would we have been granted a different opportunity, a different perspective, a different road in our path? I know that being shy has definitely limited the number of interactions in my life, but also, being afraid to say one word (even a simple hello) has limited me quite a bit. I suppose I must find a balance, because sometimes, saying nothing has probably helped me quite a bit too. It's just something I've been thinking about lately, especially in the decision to move. I don't want to sell myself short by fearing the unknown. I want to embrace it in a way that will facilitate growth and opportunity and excitement. I am left wondering about it especially after seeing the ways in which my friends (many of whom are extroverts) interact with people they know very little or not at all. How do they do it? I seem to have a better time with persons I know more closely. I find it hard to connect to people I have just met. One reason is that I don't enjoy engaging in small talk. I prefer to have more analytical and in-depth conversations and I prefer to do this with someone I a completely comfortable with.

All I know, is that I will take the next step that presents itself in my life. Perhaps, this is "safe" but I suppose I will have to allow myself to make that sort of judgment. And I will have to allow myself to reconcile that with the outcome. I am nearing the completion of my thesis...the equivalent to producing a child I would argue (it will be my child as I have no plans for them). Anyway, I am nearing the completion of this project and this moment in my life and education. All I really think I want to do is run from this soul-sucking town, but when offered an opportunity--this opportunity--I feel I should stay at least for the short term to get this experience and take advantage of it. So, I will...perhaps for another year despite my complete distaste for winter.

Perhaps, our living is defined by who we are while  we are doing the activities that we may or may not love. After all, I always lament over the way in which time passes...so freely without my permission, so quickly with my horror. I've been learning to embrace the passage of time. I find it is easier to live this way as I am not in control. I suppose it helps that this year I felt myself come more fully into my own (so to speak). I have been feeling that in many ways, I am more sure of myself than I have ever been. I am more sure of what I will or will not tolerate, what I will or will not do (or say), what I expect from other people, the expectations that others have--reasonable (or not), and what I do or do not want in my life. I have learned to accept people for who they are or are not and I have learned to forgive them for what they may not be. You cannot write someone off just because they did not act as you had expected. Many times, we become angered at people for what they are not rather than embracing what they are.

I'm not sure where I am going with this little conversation in my head. As you can see I am still figuring my life out. But, I am ever aware of the goodness that surrounds me. I recognize that I have such an incredibly strong support system and that I should never take that for granted as so  many do not have such a backing. As I sit here, it is thundering and raining and I am reminded of the beauty that exists in my everyday life. I am reminded just how fond I am of myself, my life, my friends, my family, strangers on the sidewalk, and the few moments of silence that allow me to fully appreciate it all.

I am off to do some more revisions, but I hope you take a moment to appreciate silence and reflection too.

sweeter dreams.
k