the burden of higher education has become so overwhelming that i do not wake up in the morning without the anxious feelings of inadequacy. i truly love the level of learning that is the graduate level. but, i am exhausted by quantitative methods which i do not plan to use. why should i be continuously frustrated, exhausted, and discouraged by a course that will be of no benefit to me later. even if i were to do research later it would be qualitative. i am interested in people's subjective experiences. i do not care for statistics. they do not feel. that being said, i am going to have to make an incredibly difficult decision. do i continue?? i feel that this semester has run me down to a point i never wished to be at again. i do not love my life like i did last semester. in three months, i have lost what i worked so hard to gain. i am in despair over that loss.
perhaps, my ability to defer gratification (in the form of another degree) has dwindled after 4 years of undergrad. perhaps, two more years is two more years too long. i want to enjoy my youth because as i have learned--it is fleeting.
how do you make a decision such as this?? i feel ridiculously constrained by outside pressures. unfortunately, success is measured by practically killing oneself in a graduate program in order to receive a piece of paper from a bureaucratic organization. that piece of paper, then, barely guarantees an adequately paying position.
i am disillusioned, once again angry at the system, and incredibly run-down.
i do not want to lose my spirit. so much of it has already been whittled away...
sweeter dreams.
k
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1 comment:
Hi Kimberly,
Oh gee, you're in a real pickle with this one. I don't know how you make a decision such as this but it's got to be made. There's nothing worse than being physically and mentally run down with seemingly no end in sight. But either way, whatever you choose to do, you've got to find a way to balance it all out so that you feel inspired again. It's just too exhausting and draining if there's no joy coming in, but by the sounds of your schedule I don't know how you could possibly fit anything else in, even if it is for your own well-being.
A couple of months back I had this cough that just wouldn't budge. I was completely run down and exhausted on every level. Felt sad and confused most of the time and physically had nothing left. I was convinced that I must be anemic or something. Turns out I wasn't, which actually made me feel worse since I thought I had a valid explanation for my extreme exhaustion. What it came down to is that I'd taken on too much for too long (although nothing like the academic stress you're going though) and it had finally taken it's toll in the form of stopping me in my tracks. As soon as I scaled back and took a rest from some of the extra stuff, I felt like I could cope again and not too long after, my 3-month-long cough finally went away.
I hope you'll be able to come some decision that feels right. You're a wonderful person and deserve to feel happy so just trust your gut feeling and it will all turn out as it is meant to.
Good luck and I'll check in to your future posts.
Thanks also for your comments on my blog - glad you felt a little better for a while :)
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