with all your lies, you're still very lovable

is it ironic that i am happy in the saddest of ways?? it's certainly lovely to have the outside world recognize my sorrow and transform itself to fit my mood. i am burdened by all that must be finished before the end of the semester. when all of this is said and done i will be emotionally, physically, and mentally taxed. and yet, i must use the winter break to begin more work and study for comprehensive exams. there is no end in sight. sure, it gives me something to occupy my time...but is it what i would choose to be doing if it were my last day?? i'm not sure and that bothers me a great deal. bad things have been happening to family members, friends of the family, etc. etc. almost one right after the other. and i wonder if this is where i should be. each time i hear about something else, i wonder if this is some sort of hint that i should be doing something else...enjoying my life some other way. it seems to be passing so quickly that i cannot keep up. i do not even have time to think thoughts like, 'how could this be different?' but then again, after speaking to my friend erica, i wonder if i would really pick up and leave even if i could. is my spirit adventurous enough? not to mention the idea of leaving my beloved family.

this week asks for another stats midterm to complete, a 20 page paper to complete, readings to complete, 2 presentations in one night to complete, 2 days of 6hrs of class to make it through...i wonder if i believe i can really finish. i wonder if i have the stamina to plow through.

i am tired. i am tired in a way that i have never, ever been in my life. but i am challenged. and i am hopeful. and i will go where i go and do what i do until i just cannot make it any longer.

sweeter dreams.
k