So I am saddened to say my illness has kept me away. I fear I have that which is strep throat. A terribly hurtful sore throat I might say. I was bed ridden for three days and I am still in recovery as we speak--or as I speak I suppose.
I cannot sleep tonight. I'm not really sure why. I am unsettled about the 10 page paper I just started tonight. Don't worry it's not due until Monday, but this paper means a lot to me. It's for a class that I MUST do well in and so I am definitely more than a little stressed out about it. Don't even add to that fact that I should have worked on it Monday and Tuesday, however incapable I was.
As I was trying to sleep for some reason I thought of Sam. I do that from time to time. I mean, who forgets the first person they are in love with--or think they are in love with? Not many I must say. I was talking with Brendan the other day about how girls always want to stay friends after a break-up. I was never under the illusion that Sam and I were to be friends. We just disagreed on too many things at the time. Anyway, Brendan asked why I would want to be friends with Sam. And I said I wasn't sure. And then, I said that I wouldn't want to be. And tonight, I think I realized why not. I feel like whenever I think of Sam, I think of the younger, less experienced me. I think of the frivolous me, the one that didn't really know what she was talking about, but was firm in her beliefs. And I think that I can't think of him as different than when I knew him. So, I guess in my heart we remain the young ones that we were. Besides that, I feel like I owe him an apology for being so judgemental when I prided myself on being more open-minded than my own parents. I would like to say I am sorry to him, but I can't do it the few times I do see him. I am my usual stubborn, little girl self that I was then. And I can't bring myself to say that I am sorry for the way it ended and the way things didn't have to be. And besides that, I don't think we could ever really be just friends, we were never just friends so I don't know how we could ever be on any level of knowing each other again.
Maybe that's the sad thing about first loves. It's either a relationship, the real way or it's nothing at all, but the memory they left in your heart.
Either way, it'll always be there and for that I am forever grateful. Even when they walk out of your life and you theirs, there'll always be a memory. :)
Perhaps I can fall asleep now?
sweeter dreams.
**K
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