why do i keep counting?

I can't believe this. I cannot for the life of me believe this. Every day. Every single day it feels like every single little thing goes wrong just to prove to me that I don't have it as "together" as I'd like to think I do.

It always starts with a decent day, a decent day in which nothing particularly exciting or interesting occurs. And so there is nothing to counter the bad that can somehow work its way into my measley little life just to laugh at my royally awful feelings.

We stayed out later than I was going to...no big deal. So I'm sick and need to some rest, it's not like I would have fallen asleep that early anyway. Then, I wait 8 minutes for the bus to come...it PASSES me by. Okay, so I shrug it off. It's okay, Terry walked to the quad with me and then I just walked home from there. On the way home, my lip (sore as hell) will NOT stop hurting. It is just this constant ache, like it's growing and growing and there is no more room for it to grow. So it just HURTS. So I'm walking...alone. Alone, as I find myself quite often these days. I almost trip and fall down. Now, I'm grateful that I did not actually fall, but why? Why do I have to almost fall down and have it remind me that my footing is just so unsteady right now. Unsteady just like ALL of my life! AAHHHHH. I feel like I'm honestly going crazy from being alone, feeling alone, wanting to be alone. I don't understand myself. But anyways, still walking home and I hear all these girls laughing and people talking and having a good time. And I wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong. Because, yeah I'm having a good time. But I'm not having a great time. And isn't that what college is supposed to be about? Learning, having a great time. The best years of my life. If these are the best years of my life I think I'm ready to move on. Honestly, I feel crazy. I must be crazy. I'm at one of the greatest schools in our nation and I can't make myself happy. And I don't even think finding someone who loves me is going to help my situation.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I must be tired. Just needed something to bitch about I suppose.

sweeter dreams love.
**k