i hope this song finds you well

Hello! What a beautiful day! They fixed my gas leaks...well supposedly, I hope things will prove as well when I finally turn on my furnace!

As always, the daytime makes me optimistic about the days ahead, while the nighttime comes and I feel as full of despair as ever. Maybe it's the fact that I am alone. All alone in my head and so I find things that I don't necessarily need to think about. Particularly, things from my past. Why am I and always have I been stuck in my past. I guess I just use it to find out who I am now. What about those instances have made me the person I am today with the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and goals inside of me now. In reality, I doubt I'll ever be able to pinpoint all the experiences that have shaped my character. I guess I just hope that in the end of the end the things that are me are ultimately good. And don't even ask me what the word good means in that context, because that is something I have yet to discover.

I think it's funny how I used to save every little scrap of anything that I was ever given when I was younger (or at least circa 4th grade to about junior year). I used to keep everything because I was so worried about forgetting any event in my adolescent life. I can't even tell you why I was so worried. I just was. I kept almost everything--letters, ticket stubs, pen caps, bottle tops, papers...EVERYTHING. I had about 8 shoes boxes filled with things that I just should not have felt the need to keep. As I approached junior year though, things began to change and I didn't worry so much about keeping track of my life. I was much more worried about living it. I was so worried about making the memories and keeping up with all that was going on about me. I think part of the beginning of my apathy was losing like 25 pounds. That tends to do a number on people...I turned into this new person. I was so ready to take on the world. I wasn't trying to hide anymore and I was ready to embrace everything. That left little time for remembering the past or even saving its contents.

And that brings me to today, today when I don't necessarily feel the need to keep every little scrap of event that comes my way. Although, I am a sucker for pictures. Those little documentations that you were once alive. The documentations of events in your life that you can look back on and think about. I guess it's become my new habit. I no longer keep everything...just the pictures signifying my time and experience. And hopefully, one day I won't need those either. Maybe it's just gradual for me. I can't let go of everything. Well, I guess I can barely let go of anything. I just don't understand why I have such an attachment to my past. Maybe because it was mine and I feel that so much of it explains the "me" I am familiar with today. It's ironic, because most people I am friends with now--they have no idea who I was back then. All they see is me right now. And I wonder, how is their perspective of me different from...say...Maggie. I've known her almost my entire life. What do they see that she has overlooked...what does she know that they have never had the opportunity to know about me?

sweeter dreams.
**K