your heart is not able...let me show how much i care

it seems things aren't meant to work out with the kitty. my family (my mom and dad always) finds some way of shooting down anything i ever think is a good idea, or beneficial to myself. i say, i am going to look at this kitty...i get a bombardment of reasons why it just isn't a good idea and why i should have done what they wanted me to do in the first place. okay, let me back up...

i said i want a kitty because i don't like living alone. they say, "we told you to live in the dorms."

i didn't want to live in the fucking dorms. i wanted to live in the house--with PEOPLE. but they didn't think that was a good idea. so i ended up living all by myself because that was the only option if i didn't want to live in the dorms. why would i want to live in the dorms again...it's like i am living at home. stupid.

so my mom launches into a spiel about how our cat at home would be uncomfortable if i brought a male cat into the house because she was upset when they brought the dog in the house. well, might i remind you that my dog is completely retarded. although i can see the point of view...i don't want to distress my kitty at home, i am in desperate need of some type of companionship here...here where i spend the majority of my time. my mom says, "you should get more involved." what the fuck does she want me to do? there is so much i could be involved with, but i have no friends. so this ultimately becomes my own damn fault.

and then i wonder why i am still here. i don't want to be here anymore. i am so sick of my life because its not supposed to be like this. i dont want to live like this anymore. i dont want to feel so isolated.

and meanwhile, my dad is in the background saying, "shoulda lived in the dorms. should have lived in the dorms."

and i say i have to go because i think i'll start crying on the phone.

i am destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life. if i've never truly been happy before, how will i ever know if i am?

nothing is working for me right now.