some days i have the utmost desire to just study, to learn, to read and read and read until i feel like my thirst for knowledge has been quenched. and some days, i start off in a terrible mood, but things start to look up. i had my advising appointment today for the college of communications (thank God I got in btw)--and i am on the right track to graduation and i feel really good about it. i feel like i have, at the very least, a tentative plan of what i'm going to be doing the next few years. and it gives me this hope that maybe i'll know what i'm doing the next years after that and after that and finally i'll end up where i was supposed to be all along.
it's days like this that i have hope. not really sure where it comes from, but i can find little inklings of ideas filtering out of my brain and the ideas are beneficial to my mood. i can't even explain it. it's like dispite who i've been and where i've been, what i've done, who i am now, and who i will be, who i've known or not known, well, they all will mold together just perfectly one day. and i realize that i could be someone else entirely today if things had gone differently in my life. and although, perhaps i'd be more innocent in a sense, maybe a little bit more naive, well perhaps that wouldn't be so great, because i'd still find some way to be unhappy. and so i must be proud of myself. and not get down about the simple minded and superficial beings we can amount to. i have insights that people who know me now cannot understand because they do not know me when i was who i was then. and it's a shame to know that if i was still like that, i may not have the same respect i do now. it doesn't offend me, it makes me absolutely saddened that the world can be so cruel and harsh to some people when all they want is to be loved. or given just one simple chance.
this makes no sense but to me. and in my head, i will always remember myself as i am, as i have been, and who i strive to be. there are things people do not like to acknowledge. there are things that need to be changed. i guess i'm just one of the lucky ones--i am sensitive to people's feelings. perhaps too sensitive at times, but i'm working on it.
no one will ever fully comprehend the things i have felt or feel and unfortunately, i will never be able to understand the things others have felt and feel. it makes me sorrowful, yet grateful that the burden is mine and theirs to bear alone.
hmm...back to studying!
sweeter dreams love
K
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